It’s just not worth the effort.
People who say this, from what we have researched, are
often using this as a smokescreen for the fact that they are
embarrassed at being unable to perform as well as they
used to. Here’s a fact for men: You will have times when
you can’t get a full erection, and there are other times that you may be able to get an
erection, yet still don’t have an ejaculation. Here’s a fact for women: You may not
always feel as aroused as you do other times, and you may not always reach a climax,
either with clitoral stimulation or vaginal penetration. It’s okay. Mature lovers realize this
and enjoy the time together, no matter whether there are fireworks or not. If you
absolutely, positively must have a mind-blowing climax every time you have sex, you are
going to be disappointed, no matter how old you are. Seasoned romantics learn to find
great satisfaction in lots of foreplay, penetration if it happens, and climaxes if they
happen. When you reach that point in your intimate relationship, you may be surprised at
how much better everything works. Don’t give up! Talk about your feelings. Be open about
the fact that the plumbing doesn’t always work perfectly. Then enjoy the lovemaking
process, no matter where it leads.
The fireworks simply aren’t there anymore.
Granted, older men often notice that both the volume and force of ejaculation begins to
decrease slightly at age 40 or 50. Likewise, some women have less sensation in their
clitoral area and vagina after they reach menopause. Still, with practice and skill, you can
learn to enjoy intimacy at any age. And skill means never putting blame on yourself or
your lover when things change. So many women we have interviewed seem incredibly
relieved when they find out that less volume and force of semen comes with age, for many
of them believed that their man simply wasn’t enjoying it (or them) as much as before.
Men, on the other hand, often are very relieved to discover that the lack of violent
orgasms on a woman’s part is no direct reflection on their lovemaking skills. When men
and women learn that slightly diminished orgasms (or sometimes the lack of them) are
normal, they can be liberated to enjoy whatever happens. Some self-centered men and
women, on the other hand, cannot accept the changes, and they continue their Don
Quixote-like quests which inevitably lead to unsatisfying relationships and loneliness. Who
needs that? Take the fireworks however they happen. Keep developing your lovemaking
skills, no matter what age you are. Practice lots of manual and oral stimulation, and keep
practicing. And learn to trust each other more, for trust is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Women simply dry up and lose shape as they get older, which makes it
impossible to have good sex.
We have interviewed lots of men and women who believe that vaginal changes are both
inevitable and unfixable. Wrong! Granted, some physical changes naturally occur in
women over fifty that can impact the desire and capability for intimacy. Estrogen, the
female hormone, declines during and after menopause. And it is completely normal for an
older women’s vagina to decrease somewhat in elasticity, length, width, reactivity and
response. Less estrogen and smaller size often translates into dryness, which can cause
intercourse to be painful. Maybe that was a problem in the Dark Ages before creams and
lubrications (such as KY Jelly, Astroglide or a zillion others brands) were so readily
available. If problems persist, check with your qualified health practitioner. The great
reality is that men and women who spend more time with foreplay and who learn to use a
variety of pleasurable skills and lubrications can have a very, very satisfying sex life well
into their 60, 70s, 80s and even 90s. It just takes a mutual desire to grow, mature and
Old age always seems to bring an onset of physical challenges which seem to kill
the desire and ability for lovemaking.
Any age brings challenges. Granted, creaky joints and achy muscles don’t make intimacy
as racy as it was when you were younger. The reality is that sometimes older people have
knees that don’t work well, hip-replacement surgeries, and variety of other problems that
seem to stop sexual urges in their tracks. Remember the old saying—“If life hands you a
lemon, start making lemonade.” If your lover isn’t as mobile, find ways to please him or her
in other ways. You’ve got a mouth, a tongue, and fingers. Try some sexual toys. You can
still whisper sweet nothings. We recently interviewed a 75 (him) and 67 (her) year old
couple that faced more problems that you or I could imagine, including problems inside
the woman’s vagina that simply made intercourse too painful. They were amazing and
inspiring, for they learned brand-new lovemaking skills that they would have never
considered before. She set aside lots of preconceptions and became very skillful at
pleasuring him orally. He invested in several vibrators, massagers and toys that gave her
maximum pleasure with minimum penetration. Even as her vagina situation has improved,
they have found that they generally enjoy the other things as much (and often-times
more) than vaginal penetration with his penis. Lemonade, indeed!
Men feel less virile because they can’t “get it up” as often.
Deal with it! The “refractory period,” or the time from one ejaculation to another erection,
gets longer as a man ages. It’s a fact of life that most of us can’t run as fast, jump as high
or work as hard as we did years ago. Get used to the fact that a man in his 50s may be
able to have sex more than once on special occasions, but most men at 50 require 24
hours or more before he (a) is even interested in intercourse again or (b) gets another
erection. The law of diminishing returns, so to speak, usually continues as a man gets
older. A mature lover learns to make the most of whatever happens, and whatever
happens can still be great. Remember the old saying about sex: “When it’s good, it’s very,
very good; and when it’s bad, it’s still good.” Get rid of the pressure (and the unrealistic
expectations) of trying to be eighteen again.
MYTHS LIKE THESE (AND SO MANY OTHERS) CAN BE BROKEN.
Why should we accept these barriers that make it difficult, if
not impossible, to enjoy sexual intimacy, no matter what age
a person is.
Why not get rid of the man-made monuments that keep you
embarrassed, worried, guilt-ridden, or useless.
Break down those myths.
Being a great lover is not a matter of being incredibly
endowed, having Casanova-like techniques, or being
Superman or Superwoman in bed. If being perfect were a
prerequisite, all of us would be destroyed by our inadequacies.
Instead, Seasoned Romance lovers know that a fulfilling sex life is the result of a
committed, loving, caring, trusting relationship, not the cause of it.
In Part 1, we offered several homework assignments to get you moving in the right
direction toward that kind of relationship. Your response tells us that you liked what we
suggested, so here are a few more:
- Stay away from pornography. Airbrushed, handpicked
models faking awed attraction and seismographic
orgasms are not only incredibly unrealistic, but they also
open you and your spouse to outside influences that tend
to break down the trust and intimacy necessary for a long-
term relationship. Our research and interviews have
shown us that a number of negative things happen nearly
every time pornography is introduced into a relationship,
far outweighing any so-called positives. This is especially
important to remember in a day when graphic
pornography is available to anyone with a mailbox,
Internet or access to a convenience store. There are lots
of great books and videos available that can educate and
inspire you to be a wonderful, masterful lover—without the
graphic, unrealistic pornography. What’s the difference?
That’s another eColumn.
- Focus on your lover’s pleasure, not your own. You may be
surprised at what you discover when you learn to ask what
your spouse likes (especially when you try it).
- Men, spend lots of time after your own orgasm making her feel very special. Talk to
her. Touch her. Caress her. Kiss her. Do you get the point? All of those things are
different from rolling over and going to sleep. And better! Special time with her after
you are sated is like putting money in the savings account for future lovemaking
sessions. You’re going to love the compound interest!
- Be open to the possibility that intimacy can get better and better with age, no matter
what the myth-makers say. Believe it. Plan for it. Make lifestyle and fitness choices
that heighten your chances for better lovemaking.
- Don’t forget the spiritual part of your relationship. True intimacy must be built on the
foundation and realization that you and your spouse were brought together by God
for a specific purpose. The longer we live and the more we study human
relationships, the more we realize that no true love exists without Him. Be thankful
for every thing He gives you, especially the incredible gift of intimacy and romance.
And don’t be afraid to say it out-loud. Together. To Him.
As we mentioned in Part 1 of MYTHS ABOUT AGING AND ROMANCE, the problem is that
seniors aren’t playing by the rules anymore. They have learned that myths are…well,
myths. And Baby Boomers, 78-million strong, as they burst onto the Senior scene, have
learned to question everything they have heard. Plus, as longevity continues to go up,
more and more people are simply expecting to thoroughly enjoy all those extra years. The
rocking chair has been replaced with skiing, skydiving and sex, though probably not in
And keep coming back to SEASONED ROMANCE. We’ll keep breaking down the myths,
sharing our research and giving lots of homework for you to do!
Wishing you romance,
Those myths were blasted to smithereens, and your
response has been amazing!
So, we continue with more of the myths and homework.
MYTHS ABOUT AGING AND ROMANCE
In Part 1, we discussed some of the myths that need to be broken and some
homework. Those myths included these clunkers:
- Older people don’t need or want sex anymore.
- You’ve got to use it or it. Older people who haven’t had sex for awhile shouldn’
t even try to get it going again.
- Sex isn’t really worth the effort because it doesn’t feel as good.
- Older guys are foolish to think they can get it up anymore.
- Older people just aren’t attractive anymore.