Older people don’t need or want sex anymore.
So much research has surfaced during the past ten years that completely dispels this
myth. One, reported by the BBC on 20 May, 2000, mentioned that frisky seniors actually
spend more time making love than young people. The reports from a UK-wide survey
discovered that nearly half of men and women over 65 reported that their sex sessions
took up more than two hours a week. By contrast, only 1 in 6 in the age 16-25 age group
and fewer than 26% of all 25-64 year olds could match that amount of time. Boffo for
those British Seasoned Seniors™! Likewise, we interview men and women all the time who
may have blown out seventy or eighty candles on their last birthday cakes, but they act
and feel thirty years younger in all areas of their lives, including sex. Granted, intimacy
changes as our bodies change. You weren’t the same at 40 that you were at 20, so why
would you be the same at 60 or 80? Still, our research among men and women over fifty
shows conclusively that a majority of Seasoned Seniors™ are still interested in sex. Most
are quite capable of intimacy. Best of all, they enjoy it. Many often say that it actually gets
better as they get older and have more time to devote to sex. Some say it gets a lot
better. And we won’t even tell you about the eighty-plus couple we recently interviewed for
a book project—you would blush!
You’ve got to use it or lose it. Older people who haven’t had sex for awhile
shouldn’t even try to get it going again.
Tell that to the men and women that we interview. There have been many of them who, for
many different reasons, haven’t had an active sex life for years, yet they become very
involved again romantically. One 65-year-old couple we met had been married for years.
Everyone believed they had an ideal marriage, yet because of several misunderstandings
and the belief that they shouldn’t be as interested in “it” anymore, had not been intimate
for nearly two decades. They slept in the same bed, dressed in the same bedroom, and
spent time every day together acting like the normal married couple, yet they built up such
a wall of silence and resentment that they never even touched each other. Still, because
of their children and grandchildren, and because they were pillars of the community, they
stayed together. Sadly, they actually started believing that they were completely normal
and that sex was over-rated for older people. Finally, nearly two years ago, a marriage-
relationship weekend at their church caused them to begin breaking down some walls.
Additional counseling helped immensely. Finally, one night they got very honest, and
made a conscious decision to begin trying to see if they still had any romantic feelings for
each other. They were counseled to avoid pressure to perform sexually, but to spend
several days talking, touching, massaging, and “wooing” each other. Within a week that
moved from embarrassed touching to passionate caresses, they finally had sexual
intercourse for the first time in over twenty years. They expressed surprise at how fulfilling
it was, even though they didn’t have all the fireworks they might have experienced when
they first got married. Two years later, they are still working on being more romantic and
understanding, but they long ago decided that continuing to tear down the walls that
existed so long was definitely worth the growing pains. Today, they look the same on the
outside, but they are completely different people on the inside. And we could give you
example after example of men, women and couples who have smashed this myth to
Sex isn’t really worth the effort because it doesn’t feel as good.
Your sense of smell, taste and sight may also decline, but that doesn’t mean that you
can’t enjoy smelling, tasting and seeing anymore. Yes, your sense of touch and your
sexual urges may change with age, but the largest and most effective sex organ in your
entire body is your brain, not your penis or vagina. Sex feels different as you age, but so
what? Enjoy it with all the gusto you can muster. Do whatever you can—through a fitness
and wellness program—to get your body to become the best it can be. You may be
surprised at how good “it” feels when you feel better about yourself. And you feel better
about yourself when you are making positive lifestyle choices.
Older guys are foolish to think they can get it up anymore.
Okay, the sex drive may diminish some with age. Erectile dysfunction can sometimes be a
problem. Your penis may never be as stiff as it was when you were eighteen. And perhaps
what took you just a glance when you were twenty now may take some time of foreplay.
But Seasoned Seniors can learn new skills. There are great ways to make love that don’t
require you to be completely erect for penetration and very satisfying intercourse. The
side-by-side or edge-of-the-bed are two great positions, and either can work well even if
either of you have some physical challenges. We have interviewed many men who are
“cured” just by realizing that they don’t have to perform like a teenager anymore. When
the pressure is off and both lovers are patient, amazing things can happen.
Older people just aren’t attractive to each other anymore.
What? Tell that to the older guys chasing the gray-haired girls (or vice-versa). Beauty is
all in the eyes of the beholder, and when it comes to sex, a lover is attractive, no matter
what age she or he may be. There’s something about the ageless sexual drive in humans
that transcends what other people consider to be attractive. It may surprise you to
discover that we have found that often the most sexually active and satisfied men and
women of all ages aren’t the most attractive in the world’s eyes. The only eyes that matter
are his and hers when they are caught up in mutual passion. In fact, age is a great turn-
on to a mature lover, for age often brings experience and expertise.
(Watch for Part 2. We will give you five more myths.)
MYTHS LIKE THESE (AND SO MANY
OTHERS) CAN BE BROKEN
Why should we accept these barriers that make it
difficult, if not impossible, to enjoy sexual intimacy,
no matter what age a person is?
Why not get rid of the man-made monuments that
keep you embarrassed, worried, guilt-ridden, or
Break down those myths? How?
Being a great lover is not a matter of being incredibly
endowed, having Casanova-like techniques, or being
Superman or Superwoman in bed. If being perfect were a prerequisite, all of us would be
destroyed by our inadequacies.
Instead, Seasoned Romance™ lovers know that a fulfilling sex life is the result of a
committed, loving, caring, trusting relationship, not the cause of it.
Here are a few homework assignments to get you moving in the right direction toward that
kind of relationship:
- Find creative ways to tell your lover how attractive and wonderful he or she is, as
well as what you like about who he/she is and how he/she makes you feel. (You
can’t say these things enough.)
- Be open about the fact that you and your lover aren’t always interested in intimacy
at the same time or at the same level. Discuss the differences. Compromise. Enjoy
those compromises. And be understanding when he or she isn’t as interested at the
same exact moment you are.
- As often as possible, take double the time for foreplay that you usually take.
Anticipation is half the fun. Really!
- Don’t make penetration and a mutual climax into mileposts that must always be
reached, or else! Older lovers with older bodies learn to be very satisfied with
whatever happens and find fulfillment, even when they don’t have intercourse or a
grinding orgasm. There are lots of other ways to make love. Discover them together.
- Find ways to be romantic, even if it means doing things that get you out of your
comfort zones (translation: ruts). Guys, you can’t go wrong with flowers, kind words,
helping in the kitchen, rose petals in the bed—just like they used to do in the
movies. Girls, the guy still thinks he’s eighteen—stroke his ego (and anything else
that needs stroked). Linger over a candlelit dinner looking into each other’s eyes.
Read her a poem. Drizzle chocolate over his favorite body parts and enjoy the
calories. Be romantic! The payoff, once you learn this, can last a lifetime.
- Try some new alternatives in your lovemaking. Get out of the comfortable ruts. If
you always make love one way, do it another way. Read some books on the
subject. Learn how to bring pleasure to your lover in extraordinary and surprising
fashion. Be imaginative. Be open to new things. Ask for what makes you feel good.
Don’t get upset if he or she is reluctant. Enjoy the process. And be patient.
And keep coming back to SEASONED ROMANCE. We’ll keep working on lots of other
homework for you to do!
(Watch for Part 2 with five more myths and six more homework assignments!)
Wishing you romance,
The problem is that seniors aren’t playing by the
rules anymore. They have learned that myths
are…well, myths. And Baby Boomers, 78-million
strong, as they have burst onto the Senior
scene, have learned to question everything they
have heard. Plus, as longevity continues to go
up, more and more people are simply expecting
to thoroughly enjoy all those extra years. The
rocking chair has been replaced with skiing,
skydiving, surfing and sex, though probably not
in that order.
So, let’s discuss a few myths that all of us have
heard (and perhaps believed) about aging and
MYTHS ABOUT AGING AND ROMANCE
Undoubtedly, you have heard all the myths about aging and intimacy. It shouldn’t be such
a surprise to hear these things. After all, since the time you were a kid you have been
surrounded by “experts” who know everything about everything, especially sex. Nothing
So by this time in your life, you have probably heard more myths and misinformation
about sex than any other subject.